My journey to overcome alcohol addiction

My Journey to Overcome Alcohol Addiction:

Recovering from addiction is a gradual process, and it’s essential to approach it with patience and self-compassion. The journey begins with a sincere desire for change and a deep understanding of the areas in need of transformation. Transparency and self-awareness are crucial elements in this expedition.

Often, our external experiences mirror our inner struggles through the people and situations that surround us. At first, we may not recognize this connection, perceiving these external factors as separate or even adversarial. However, it’s important to understand that these external aspects we judge and resist are often reflections of unhealed parts within ourselves.

In my past, I was quick to judge those around me, observing their flaws and addictive behaviors. I considered myself a social drinker and believed that those who concealed their drinking, lacked self-control, or exhibited aggression were the ones with the problem. I saw myself as fun and outgoing when I consumed alcohol, finding relaxation and calmness in it, despite occasional side effects like brain fog and headaches.

On certain occasions, I indulged in binge drinking, especially during social gatherings, but I dismissed it as a non-issue, convincing myself that I was merely being sociable, much like many others. Over time, however, the anticipation of Friday evenings and weekends with a few glasses of wine extended into weekdays, eventually becoming a daily routine of unwinding with two to three glasses of wine. I firmly believed I didn’t have a problem; I just enjoyed it. It didn’t make me aggressive or lead to frequent drunkenness. I reveled in fine wines, alcoholic beverages, wine tastings, dinner parties, and restaurant outings.

Deep down, I was aware of my addiction. I couldn’t imagine attending a social event without alcohol, believing it was an essential part of socializing. In times of stress, I turned to alcohol for solace and to ease my nerves. A part of me resisted the thought of a life without alcohol, but over time, I could no longer ignore the toll it was taking on my body. I experienced bloating, intolerances, weight gain, joint pain due to acidity, skin issues like red rashes, and visible veins around my nose and cheeks. Headaches were a constant companion, and the bloating became unbearable. I even struggled to keep food down and was diagnosed with leaky gut syndrome and gastritis. My colon, liver, kidneys, and adrenals were under duress.

From a psychological perspective, I found myself growing increasingly anxious, grappling with feelings of insecurity, weakness, dependence, and vulnerability. Quitting was a daunting challenge, particularly when those around me continued to indulge in alcohol during social occasions. I made several attempts to quit but found myself holding a drink a few days later, always making excuses and promising myself I’d quit someday, just not today.

The message grew louder, and ultimately, the universe intervened, bringing my eight-year marriage to a close. This period was marked by intense inner turmoil and disorientation, emotions that were reflected in the reactions of those in my life. I turned to alcohol as a refuge to escape the pain, but deep down, I understood that this was the final challenge I needed to confront, and its conclusion was imminent. I granted myself permission to savor each sip without guilt, viewing it as my last source of solace.

Ironically, during this time, I also engaged in profound self-reflection. I listened to metaphysical teachers, practiced visualizations, and meditation. I rekindled my passion for exercise and took daily walks with my loyal companion, Seth. As I gradually regained my equilibrium, my desire to exercise more and drink less grew. I even ventured into Flamenco dancing. With each choice I made for my well-being, I felt lighter, and as I began to embrace and love myself, the desire for alcohol became less.

During this period, I also decided to open up on social media, connecting with individuals who shared my passion for art and creativity. It was during this time that I crossed paths with Laresa. An instant and profound connection formed between us, despite my recent divorce. It felt like I was being guided through this transformative journey. Laresa had no inclination towards drugs or alcohol; instead, she was a passionate photographer and a creative soul at heart. In her presence, redirecting my focus away from alcohol became effortless, marking the beginning of a relationship nurtured by a clear and sober mind.

However, this marked only the initial phase of an ongoing healing journey. I soon realized that healing from addiction is far more intricate than simply abstaining from alcohol. It involved a gradual disentanglement of myself, a process of breaking down before reconstruction could commence. This journey also necessitated the dissolution of significant relationships, including those I held dear as my tribe and family. It felt as though everything and everyone had been forcibly torn away from me, rekindling a profound sense of abandonment rooted in my early years as an adopted child.

I found myself heartbroken and filled with anger, struggling to trust others. Walls began to enclose me as I navigated vulnerability without the shield of alcohol. My sense of humor vanished, and my capacity for carefree enjoyment withered. I retreated further into my cocoon, allowing only one person, Laresa, to enter. Our relationship bore the weight of my explosions, defensiveness, and countless moments of feeling lost. Yet, throughout it all, Laresa possessed the remarkable ability to try to understand me and provide a comforting, loving presence. Even when faced with challenges, she continued to wrap me in a comforting embrace.

Eden, the beautiful natural sanctuary that enveloped us, served as a constant reminder of my blessings and the guiding presence of a higher power watching over me.

Although I couldn’t fully comprehend it at the time, in hindsight, I now realize that my entire world and the people within it needed to undergo a transformation. I began drinking at a remarkably young age. As a mere 14-year-old, I was engulfed by a torrent of emotions, including insecurity, rejection, and feelings of unworthiness. Alcohol swiftly became my mask and shield, offering a means to numb these overwhelming emotions and providing me with a deceptive sense of security.

My entire life had been constructed upon this foundation. The people surrounding me reflected similar characteristics and behaviors. We had also solidified our perceptions of one another. To effect change, my entire environment had to alter, including the people within it. This, without a doubt, was the most challenging part of my journey because, as I mentioned earlier, these were my people, my tribe, my support system. When you find yourself alone, you are forced to delve deep within. Who was I truly? Even my creative career was undergoing a transformation. It turned out that everything I had believed and thought I was had been an illusion. I had to simply live one day at a time, embracing each moment as it came.

I immersed myself in my new creative process as a symbolic artist, focusing on the symbolism and profound meanings behind things. I found solace in the teachings of metaphysical mentors, listening to self-empowering audios relentlessly. For the first time in my life, I prioritized myself. I had to learn to stand up and say no, and that “no” was initially quite resounding because I wasn’t accustomed to advocating for myself. I began to heed my inner voice rather than the opinions of those around me. I let go and shed tears. I started observing my self-talk and judgments. As I monitored my thoughts, I became increasingly aware of my recurring patterns and how they manifested in my physical world.

I listened, felt, and became attuned to the subtle messages arising from within me. I discerned the distinction between actions inspired by fear and those rooted deep within as a calling. I had to release everything that I was not.

My path to overcoming alcohol addiction was a profound transformation journey, filled with challenges, introspection, and self-discovery. While it was not without its difficulties, it ultimately led to a life of clarity, self-love, and freedom from the chains of addiction. In the end, the process taught me that true healing begins from within and that, with determination and the support of loved ones, we can overcome even the most formidable obstacles life presents us.

I hope that sharing my journey can inspire and provide solace to those who are on a similar path of self-discovery and healing. Your inner strength and the power of transformation lie within you, waiting to be unleashed.

Written by: Verna du Toit